Bonding with your baby

EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT BONDING. WHAT DOES IT REALLY MEAN?

Bonding refers to the feeling parents have for their young baby, an emotional tug. It can start before birth when you see her on an ultrasound scan or feel her kick. It can also happen when you hear her heartbeat during a prenatal check. Many parents say they feel love for their baby as soon as she is born—but bonding doesn’t always happen this quickly.

DO I HAVE TO BREAST-FEED MY BABY FOR BONDING TO SUCCEED?

No. Breast-feeding may bring a mother intense and pleasurable closeness with her baby, but it is not essential for bonding. The proof is that many fathers, bottle-feeding mothers, and adoptive parents bond well with their babies. It helps to hold your baby, establish eye contact, talk with her, and get to know her. This helps her to recognize your voice and face, too. These one-to-one conversations also play an important part in her development. You can do all these things without breast-feeding.

WILL I BOND MORE QUICKLY IF I KEEP MY BABY WITH ME ALL THE TIME?

Although this is not essential, it can help with bonding. It is also usually safer if you keep your baby near you. In the hospital, many parents prefer the security of knowing at any time exactly where their baby is, and with whom. However, you don’t need to feel that you must have her constant company all the time if you don’t want to. If someone else watches your baby for a while, it does not mean that your  parenting instincts are deficient, so there’s no need for you to feel guilty.

IS IT IMPORTANT TO CUDDLE MY BABY FREQUENTLY?

Yes. A new baby has only recently left the comfort of the womb and she still needs your touch, warmth, sight, and sound, so it is important to hug her a lot. She also needs the stimulation you can provide with eye contact and smiles. In some cultures it is normal for a mother to hold or carry her baby virtually all the time in the early months. You don’t have to do this, nor does she need hugging all the time.  She has to sleep sometimes, and so do you.

WHAT’S THE BEST WAY FOR ME TO COMMUNICATE WITH HER?

Talking to your baby is very important from early on. The content of what you say may not be all that vital for now because the sounds alone play an active part in her development. Soon, however, she will be ready to socialize and to have “conversations” with you, so what you say will matter. Smile at her, too. Babies seem to be programmed to appreciate people’s smiles. Smiling on your own may feel a little  silly to begin with, but you will soon find that your baby will start smiling back at you.

I DON’T FEEL CLOSE TO MY BABY

Is there something wrong with me?

If you don’t feel an overwhelming surge of love for your new baby, you are not abnormal or inadequate. In one study, only two-thirds of mothers experienced a sudden rush of emotion for their baby (fewer in  the case of mothers of twins, since it is hard to get acquainted with more than one new arrival at a time). If you don’t feel an immediate emotional bond with your baby, it may be because you’re tired, anemic, or ill—or that your baby may be very demanding or unwell. Hold your baby when you can, and get close to her whenever possible. If you feel very little for her now, just be gentle and try to smile. She  needs you, and she will respond eventually.

Is it natural to feel this way?

If this is your first baby, then you may have mixed feelings about becoming a parent. Don’t worry—this is perfectly natural. However, if you feel angry or depressed, you should talk it through with your doctor  or midwife.

Can early separation prevent bonding?

Parents whose newborn baby goes to the Neonatal Care Unit , and mothers who have had a cesarean or a difficult delivery often worry about whether separation will ruin their bonding. It may delay it, and it  is a shame to miss out on some of those early moments of contact, but there will still be time later.